My Shadow Self

It’s like a weird version of me that I know but don’t own. I can see her everywhere thriving in ways that make me want to be her.

When I can’t get out of bed I see her running on the treadmill at full speed. When I can’t make dinner I see her cooking a vegetarian meal spooning delicious calorie free sauce into the mouth of her hot sauce husband.  

 She looks so happy and beautiful

I can tell it’s me. But there’s a disconnect. Like it’s happening but not yet. An oh so shameful disconnect based on the fact that its not me

It’s who I wish I to be.

As I sit on my couch and  stare at her busily (and rudely) living my life in my living room, I begin to suppress the rising anxiety that has started in my stomach

“Oh God, I should be doing that” I shamefully say to myself. “Why can’t I just go get some vegetables from the grocery shelf? “She’s probably finished an hour-long sprint by the time I miraculously manage to make my first cup of morning tea.

I exasperate… God she’s so beautiful.  I cry, knowing She is me but will never be .

She is a ghost that haunts and taunts my inner vision . A constant real of highlights and moments creating an inner drama of conflict and tension. I sit and watch paralyzed by her effortless intimidation over me. As I sit with my tea she comes and sits right beside me… remaining in the athletic position of possibility. She does not acknowledge me… too busy energetically planning her next successful accomplishment

She’s so cruel to me! I’M RIGHT HERE!! Stop flaunting your perfect life in front of me with no care to actually care of how I’m actually doing.  Agh! Go away, you make me feel like your fake presence is what my reality is called to be. Which is no reality to me.  

The only reality is this cup of tea… calmly, the hot water tames… I wonder who is to blame. I believe her name is shame.  A shadow of shame over my name.

She cannot exist in darkness, yet neither can I.

As I watch her flaunt me, my anxiety turns to anger and I want to scream “Why can’t it just simply be?” I can see her. I can see her… only because there is light. The light shines into the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it. She exists because I exist. She is only there because she is a lesser translucent version of myself that only exists  in the form of darkness.

How could I be so careless to allow only one angle of light?

Lord, help me turn on the more light

Flick.

I no longer see the version of me. I no longer see darkness beside me.

I can only see light bouncing off light that illuminates the only reality that has ever been called of me.

Me.

 In the light of Christ there is no shadow, no darkness, just beautifully brilliant illuminating light that calls forth my life.

This life.

This life and a cup of tea.